The LAN of Retribution
by POotis Fazbear
Summary: After years of searching for a good team and failing miserably, Funs will take out his anger on the TF2 community by slaughtering them all on i63, The LAN of Retribution
1. Chapter 1

Nothing came out of my desperate scrimmages and pugs in TF2 before i63. Top teams still didn t show any interest in me. I queued for Pugchamp a lot, even though I rarely got picked, even after top fragging every game.  
While playing there, I saw other players who had inferior DM getting first-picked by top-level players in their games. I get 300 DPM every game and never got first-picked. Not once. It only made me fume with rage. Pugchamp was such a beautiful site, but I could go nowhere without being insulted by my enemies. The mere sight of them enjoying their games with top level players while getting huge frags was an insult to me, because I deserve it more than them.  
One place of refuge I often went to was Melkor DM, most of the players there were worse than me. It provided a quiet and peaceful place for me to contemplate and brood.  
But today, I went pubbing to calm myself down. That evening,  
the pubbers were especially bad, gonzales_ronaldo2004 couldn't even figure out how to move. I basked in its radiance as I watched him, wondering with despair how a world so beautiful could be so cruel. And then, one final insult came along, as if the world was taking one last spiteful lash at me. A young pubber couple came, each with hearts on their names and started stomping the pub, quickly rising on the scoreboard, making out with each other while doing so. There were lots of other people there as well, they were all asking if they could be friends with them. All of them must have had thoughts of admiration towards the couple, and thoughts of contempt towards me because I was all alone and unwanted. I have lived such an unnatural life, devoid of a good team, frags, and pleasure. Stomping way worse players was one of the few joys I had left, and now that too was taken from me. How can I enjoy a pub anymore, knowing that other players get to enjoy them with their beautiful transgender-gay-furry girlfriends at their side? There was no more life for me to live.  
After disconnecting from that pub, I was able to experience one final respite before i63 came, the LAN my sad story will at last come to its tragic end. My team planned to go to and I had a lot of free time until the LAN came,  
taking advantage of the time to play hours of DM on end.  
They decided to take papi to i63 with them, and upon hearing this I became very infuriated. papi was my enemy, someone who has enjoyed a happy life of fragging while I have starved for years. And now my own team leader was paying for his ticket to i63, something he doesn t deserve. I felt so betrayed by my team leader because of this. He should have been more considerate for how I would feel. I am his teammate, and he should be on my side. But then again, my team leader always gets picked in pugs, There was no way he could possibly understand my point of view.  
I played quite a lot of pugs, and while playing them I ran into WARHURYEAH. I hadn t seen him since he MGE'd me years ago, then trash-talked me, it was nice to play with him again. I felt very bitter and ashamed, having to play with old players as the awkward, unwanted outcast I had always been. Some of them asked me about my career,  
and a few even asked if I was on a good team. I had to suffer having to tell them that no, I don t have a good team because good players are not attracted to me. I wished I could tell them all that I had an amazing life there, with a team that would win every match. I wish I could have made them all proud of me, but of course, I had nothing about me to be proud of. The only solace I had for that shame was the knowledge that I will soon rectify everything on the LAN of Retribution.  
My team leader told me that I can have one bottle of wine from his pantry while he was away, and I chose to open the best one in the lot, a fine vintage that I slowly sipped throughout the night as I stayed at my team leaders house, all alone. I knew that other young popular players were having the time of their lives that night, pugging and mixing the night away. As I sipped my wine alone, in the moonlit 


	2. Chapter 2

darkness of my team leader s backyard, I assured myself that soon I will have my revenge on all of those players. Soon After a restless sleep, I arose from my bed early on the day before i63. This was the final LAN. This was the LAN in which everything will come to a close. In this year, I will finally have my ELO, my frags, my retribution! My whole tragic career had led to this, and I was ready.  
I had been fat-kidded, shit-talked, humiliated, bullied, fragged, starved of a good team, tortured, and ridiculed for far too long. The TF2 community are a cruel and brutal community, and the only thing I could do to even the score was to return that cruelty one-thousand fold. The community's rejection of me is a declaration of war, and if it s war they want, then war they shall have. It will be a war that will result in their complete and utter annihilation. I will deliver a blow to my enemies that will be so catastrophic it will kill this dumb fucking game once and for all.  
It was time to plot exactly what I will do on the LAN of Retribution. I will be a god, punishing top players and all of the community for their depravity. I will finely deliver to them all of the pain and suffering they ve dealt to me for so long.  
The date was out of the question. This IS the LAN that i will be taking my revenge in. I tried to make the most out of every minute before the LAN. There was no a single moment where I wasn't in a pug or a DM server after I opened TF2. Every pug, I would get bullied by players who thought they were better than me. I had enough after my third pug and I decided to calm down by going outside, and I wouldn t return until late in the night. I wandered around aimlessly in a beautiful park,  
took a stroll along the beach, sipped latte at a cafe, and watched the sunset at a contemplation spot, staying there until the stars lit up the night sky. But there was no escaping the sight of young couples doing the exact same thing together. It made me even more eager for the LAN of Retribution to come. My life was a living hell, and that hell needed to come to an end.  
I had enough money left to live comfortably for a long time, but that wasn't gonna happen. I used the money to buy supplies that were vital to my plans. First, I needed to buy a third handgun,  
just in case one of them jam. I needed two working handguns at the same time, as that was how I planned to commit suicide; with two simultaneous shots to the head. I also needed to buy magazine clips and ammunition, as well as knives and carrying cases for my equipment.  
Even in , the little twinge of hope inside me never faded. It remained, as if it were tiny, flickering flame of a candle in a dark room. I suppose that little flame is what prompted me to actually keep bumping my LFT.  



	3. Chapter 3

That lasted a good two weeks, before I realized how pointless it was and removed them. There was no hope now, and I had to accept it.  
After going through every single fantasy I had about how I would punish my enemies, I started to detail all of my exact plans for how the LAN of Retribution will play out.  
On the day before the LAN of Retribution, I will start the First Phase of my vengeance: Silently killing as many players as I can around the LAN by luring them to where i'm staying through some form of trickery. The first people I would have to kill are my two teammates, to secure the entire place for myself as my personal torture and killing chamber. After that, I will start luring players into my apartment, knock them out with a hammer, and slit their throats. I will torture some of the ones with good DM before I kill them, assuming that they had the best teams. All of that fragging they had in life, I will punish by fragging them back. I have lived a life of pain and fat-kidding,  
and it was time to bring that pain to people who actually deserve it. I will cut them, spam their LFT's, strip all the skin off their flesh, and send my friends to fuck their profiles and reputation all over while they are still alive, as well as any other form of torture I could possibly think of. When they are dead, I will behead them and keep their heads in a bag, for their heads will play a major role in the final phase. This First Phase will represent my vengeance against all of the players who have had amazing teams while I ve had to suffer. Things will be fair once I make them suffer as I did. I will finally even the score.  
The Second Phase will represent my War on ETF2L Admins. I will punish all admins for the crime of being so unfair to me. They have given me major warnings, falsely of course, for my entire career, and let other players get away with their actual wrong-doings.  
I cannot kill every single admin on earth, but I can deliver a devastating blow that will shake all of them to the core of their wicked hearts to the point where they decide to resign. I will attack the very admins who represent everything I hate in their circlejerk: The ones that love anime the most. I know exactly where they're staying and I ve sat outside it in my car to stalk them many times. They are all spoiled, heartless, wicked bitch weaboos. They think they are superior to me, and if I ever tried to ask one about a name change or anything similiar,  
they would reject me cruelly and humiliate me for it. I will sneak into their place on the LAN of retribution, and slaughter every single one of them with my guns and knives. If I have time, I will set their whole place on fire. Then we shall see who the superior one really is!  
The Final Phase of the LAN of Retribution will be my ultimate showdown in the streets of the UK.  
On the morning before, I will drive down to my other teammate, Condawg's place to kill him, denying him of the chance to surpass me, I'll have to murder Smirre too, as he'll be in the way. Once I ve taken care of my former teammates, I will call a taxi, steal the car and drive it back up to my place. I will use it as one of my killing machines against my enemies.  
After I have killed all of the weeb admins, I will quickly get into the the car before the police arrive, assuming they would arrive within 3 minutes. I will then make my way to where i63 itself is taking place, splattering as many of my enemies as I can with the car when I get there, and shooting anyone I don t splatter. I can only imagine how sweet it will be to ram the vehicle into all of those groups of popular top-players who I ve always witnessed talking shit in Pugchamp and MGE as if they are better than everyone else. When they are writhing in pain, their bodies broken and dying after I splatter them, they will fully realize their crimes. 


	4. Chapter 4

Once I reach i63, I will dump the bag of severed heads I had saved from my previous victims, proclaiming to every player how much I ve made them all suffer. Once they see all of their friend s heads roll onto the street, everyone will fear me as the powerful GOD I am. I will then start massacring everyone on the LAN. I will specifically target the ones with good teams, and all of the e-bf and gfs. After I have When I see the first police car come to their rescue, I will drive away as fast as I can, shooting and ramming any player in my path until I find a suitable place to finally end my miserable middie life.  
To end my life, I will quickly swallow all of the Xanax and Vicodin pills I have left, along with an ample amount of hard liquor. Immediately after imbibing this mixture, I will shoot myself in the head with two of my handguns simultaneously. If the gunshots don t kill me, the deadly drug mixture eventually will. I will not suffer being captured and sent to prison.  
I must plan this very efficiently. Nothing can go wrong. It needs to be perfect. This is now my sole purpose on this world. My plans will come to fruition, and I mustn t let anyone stop me. I posted a thread onto in order to express my views and feelings to the world, though I don t plan on uploading my ultimate post until minutes before the attack, because on that post I will talk about exactly why I m doing this.  
I titled the post I uploaded Why do good players hate me this much? in which I ask the entire community the question I ve wanted to ask them for so many years. Why do they hate me so much? Why have they never fancied me? Why do they recruit other, inferior players but not me,  
even though I deserve them more? In the post, I show that I am the perfect, magnificent fragger,  
worthy of having a top team, making the world see how unreasonable it is that I ve had to struggle all my life to get said top team. It is my attempt to reason with the community, to ask them why they have mistreated me. I was hoping I would get some sort of answer from good players. In fact, a small part of me was even hoping that a team leader would see the video and contact me to give me a chance to go on a tryout. That alone would have prevented the LAN of Retribution, if one team had just given me one chance. But no As expected, I got absolutely no response from any top-teams. The only responses I got were from other players who trashtalked me, made fun of me and shitposted in my thread. TF2 players don t care about me at all. They won t even deign to tell me why they ve fucked me up this much. This just shows how evil and sadistic they are.  
Oh well, they will realize the gravity of their crimes when I slaughter them all on the LAN of Retribution.  
How dare they reject a magnificent fragger like me!  
As the LAN of Retribution drew ever closer, I prepared myself to the fullest extent. All I had left to do was finish writing this and post it!. But then, I woke up with a terrible cold. I rarely ever get colds! I ve always had a strong immune system. It was as if fate itself was trying to stop me from doing it. But what other reason do I have for living? Alas, there was no way I could carry out my plans if I had a cold. Everything had to be perfect.  
I hastily decided to postpone it. I would definitely be fully recovered from my cold by then. This will also give me more time to prepare. Just earlier, I felt so ready to finally strike back at TF2 and it's community, with all my rage and hatred. I was profoundly eager to do it! But for some strange reason, having a little bit more of life left made me feel relieved. I took in a deep breath and relaxed. Coupled with my hate-fueled eagerness to carry out my act of revenge, there was also an extreme sense of fear inside me. Part of me still didn t want to do it. It will mean my death, and I have always been afraid of death. 


	5. Chapter 5

I didn t want to be in i63 anymore, the day I previously planned on carrying out my plans.  
Hearing all of my enemies partying, gaming and having a good time on the day I was supposed to kill them all would be too much to bear. I immediately called my leader and asked her if I can stay at his place for the whole weekend, exaggerating my illness so that he would let me. While there, I visited the doctor to ask about the condition of my cold.  
Upon my return to i63, I assured to myself that this was it. This was the final. There is no postponing it anymore, no backing out. If I don t do this, then I only have a future filled with more loneliness and fat-kidding ahead of me, devoid of good teams, DPM, and fun. I have to do it. It s the only thing I can do. This is the absolute last weekend in which I can carry out this plan efficiently. After August 27th, the LAN will end, and all of the players will go back to their hometowns soon enough, which means less enemies to kill. Sure, there'd still be some players hanging out after the LAN, but I want to kill EVERYONE. The LAN of Retribution is my sole purpose on this world, and I am ready.  
After only a week passed since I posted that thread, I heard a knock on my door. I opened it to see about seven police officers asking for me. As soon as I saw those cops, the biggest fear I had ever felt in my life overcame me. I had the striking and devastating fear that someone had somehow discovered what I was planning to do, and reported me for it. If that was the case, the police would have searched my room, found all of my guns and weapons, along with my writings about what I plan to do with them. I would have been thrown in jail, denied of the chance to exact revenge on my enemies. The only Hell I can imagine darker than that is maining MGE. Thankfully, that wasn t the case, but it was so close.  
Apparently, someone saw my posts and became instantly suspicious of me. They called some sort of health agency, who called the police to check up on me. The police told me it was my team leader who called them, but my leader told me it was the health agency. My leader had read the posts and was very disturbed by them. I don t suppose I ll ever know the full truth of who called the police on me. The police interrogated me outside for a few minutes, asking me if I had suicidal thoughts. I tactfully told them that it was all a misunderstanding, and they finally left. If they had demanded to search my room That would have ended everything. For a few horrible seconds I thought it was all over. When they left,  
the biggest wave of relief swept over me. It was so scary.  
It was all because of the posts. I must have expressed too much anger in them. I immediately edited most of them off of , and planned to repost them before the LAN of Retribution.  
This incident made me realize that I needed to be extra careful. I can t let anyone become suspicious of me. All it takes is for one person to call the police and tell them that they think I m going to perpetrate a shooting, and the police will be coming to my door again, demanding to search my room. For the next few days, I felt extremely fearful that they could show up anytime. I kept one of my handguns with a few loaded magazines near me just in case such a thing did happen. If they did show up, I would have to try to quickly shoot them all and escape out the back window. Hours of training in DM would help me with this, but then I would then have to perform a hasty mockery of my plans, with the police on my tail. That will ruin everything. Thankfully, all suspicion of me was dropped after I edited the posts away from , and the police never came back.  
During the last moments of my life, I realized that the only world I can possibly ever experience is a twisted world of constant suffering. No matter what server I go to, I have to face all of the same injustices. They constantly remind me of what I have lacked all my life. I cannot go out of offline servers without seeing a young couple playing together that would make me feel envious and enraged. How dare those transgender furry-brony-weeabos give their love to those other players and not me, I constantly think when I see them. There is nowhere in the world I can go anymore. There is no 


	6. Chapter 6 (Epilogue)

more life to live. The LAN of Retribution is all I have. It is the final solution to all of the injustices of this twisted world. By doing this, I will set right all of the wrongs I ve had to face in my sorry excuse of a career.  
Every single time I ve seen a player stream with 30 viewers and his amazing team, I ve always wanted to kill them all in the most painful way possible. They deserve it. They must be punished. They deserve to be punished for living a better and more pleasurable life than me. On the LAN of Retribution, I will finally be able to punish them ALL.  
When I think about the amazing and blissful life I could have lived if only I got into a good team, my entire being burns with hatred. They denied me a happy life and career, and in return I will take away all of their lives. It is only fair.  
I am not part of the TF2 community. TF2 has rejected me. The females of the community have never wanted to e-rp with me, so how could I possibly consider myself part of the community? The playerbase has never accepted me among them, and now I know why. I am more than just a player. I am more than just a HUMAN.  
I am superior to them all. I am Funs Magnificent, glorious, supreme, eminent Divine! I am the closest thing there is to a living god. TF2 is a disgusting, depraved, and evil game, along with it's community. It is my purpose to punish them all. I will purify the world of everything that is wrong with it. On the LAN of Retribution, I will truly be a powerful god, punishing everyone I deem to be impure and depraved.

Epilogue

And that is how my tragic career (and life) ends. Who would have thought my life will turn out this way? I didn t.  
There was a time when I thought this game was a good and happy place. As a new player, my whole world was innocent. It wasn t until I went through MGE and started desiring a good team that my whole life turned into a living hell. I desired good teams, but the teams never desired me back. There is something very wrong with that. It is an injustice that cannot go unpunished. There is no way I could live a happy life with such a scenario.  
Not only did I have to waste my entire youth suffering in hours of MGE and unfulfilled desire, but I had to live with the knowledge that other players with the same experience, maybe even less were able to have all of the experiences I craved for. It is absolutely unfair and unjust. In addition, I had to suffer the shame of other players respecting me less because I didn t get any good logs. Everyone knew I was a middie. Everyone knew how undesirable I was to teams, and I hated everyone just for knowing it. I want people to think that top players adore me. I want to feel worthy. There is no pride in living as a lonely, unwanted player. I wouldn t even call it living.  
I am not meant to live such a pathetic, miserable life. That is not my place in this world. I will not bow down and accept such a horrific fate. If the community will not give me a worthy place among them, then I will destroy them all. I am better than all of them. I am a GOD. I AM FUNS. Exacting my Retribution is my way of proving my true worth to the world.  
In the midst of my suffering, I have been able to see the world much clearer than others. I have vision that other people lack. Through my suffering, I have been able to see just how twisted and wrong this world really is. The current state of TF2 is what makes it wrong. I look at the playerbase and I see only vileness and depravity.  
TF2 is by far the most evil concept in existence. The act of fragging gives human beings a tremendous amount of pleasure. Pleasure they don t deserve. No one deserves to experience so much pleasure, especially since some players get to experience it while some are denied it, even while deserving of it more. When a man surpasses 300 dpm with an amazing team, he probably feels like he is in heaven. But TF2 is not supposed to be heaven. For some humans to actually be able to feel such heights of heavenly pleasure is selfish and hedonistic.

I will make them pay.

They will realize their mistakes, and beg for me to not kill them so they could invite me to their roster.

But it is too late.

The LAN of Retribution is where Funs will prove himself as the GOD he is. 


End file.
